Letters to an Entirely Messed Up Redhead
by PenonPaperFingersonKeys
Summary: Lily Evans is getting all O's in her grades but is failing life and failing at being a teenager. When Hogwarts organizes a letter system between two anynomous students her life is thrown upside down by the mysterious 'Brian' who is making her feel odd...


Dear Seventh Year Students of 1977-1978,

For an experiment we are holding an anonymous correspondence unit for the general year. You will be placed with a member of the opposite sex, and someone who a specifically magical list has chosen out for you. This list has magical properties similar to the ones of the Sorting Hat so there is no mistake with who you have been put with.

The rules are quite simple: write daily and do not try to find out in anyway who your partner is. These rules are here for a reason.

At the end of six months you are your partner will be revealed to one another. We hope this unit will be informative.

Sincerely Yours,  
Professor Albus Dumbledore  
Head Master

...

Liasba,

So I think this writing thing is pretty crap. Unfortunately McGonagall made me do it. If you're a girl I know you'll be a _girl_ and write long dreadfully boring letters about your hair and your latest boyfriend. So, we'll write the compulsory letters every day (_every day_ – this'll be unbearable) and get it over with; me writing short and blunt letters that tell you how much I hate you. You writing long and horrible ones that I'll burn. If you're a guy, hopefully we'll get along.

I'm not sexist or anything! No, that's not further from the truth. I'm just saying that this is terrible, I hate writing letters to my parents, let alone a complete stranger, and I'm really over it – already.

Cheers,

Brian

P.S What type of name is Liasba?

_..._

_Dear Lily Evans,_

_We'd just like to tell you that you are a disgrace to the teenagers of England, nay, the world. We would like to implore that you remove yourself from that dreadfully boring, and Muggle, book of yours and get a writing to Brian. After all, we have sources that he is in the Beautiful People Committee. _

_Don't bother trying to get us to tell you who it is. Because we _won't_._

_And please, please, please don't tell me that you're starting your potions essay now? No wonder you have no friends, apart from that Alice girl. But she's as weird as you. _

_Please, do us a favour and hide in your room till you're thirty and we can dust you from our hands. You're too much work and to change you into a proper teenager...why that would take forever._

_The Society of Teenagers_

_..._

Brian,

To post-script question I would like to answer that Liasba is a purely personal name that I do not feel like sharing with the likes of _you. _You think you're smart and witty? Well you are, in fact, not and I feel the need to point out that you're rude, immature and narrow minded. May I ask if you're a Slytherin?

Huh, I suppose you are.

I am a girl in fact, though I would think that anyone with half a brain would be able to tell with seeing as McGonagall specifically said we would be dealing with a member of the opposite sex. You, unfortunately, only have a quarter of a brain. Pity.

Just to finish I wanted to say that my _hair_ looked _horrid _today! If you'd seen me you would have cried at the shocking state it was in. After all, I am a _girl _and must, according to you, rant on about my hair even though I'd rather not.

Since I think we got off at the wrong foot I think we should start again, now that I have verbally slapped you. I'll start with a question:

What's your favourite food?

Liasba

_..._

_Dear Lily Evans, _

_We would just like to tell you that after _verbally slapping _someone there is no other foot to step on. _

_We also realise that you think that maybe it'll be a hot Ravenclaw when you finally meet in...six months, is it?_

_No, because a girl like you doesn't get that hot Ravenclaw. You get people like Barry Berman in Hufflepuff who suffers from acne._

_The COLD HARD Truth_

_..._

Dear Liasba,

Eh, I could...Sure. We'll try again. Now look, I have to admit that that question wasn't very original. As a girl I would have thought that you would have gotten down to the either really nitty-gritty stuff like 'Do you have a good relationship with your parents' or 'what's your dating history?' Actually, no that's only the girls that date me, but I have dated every girl I've known with the exception of a handful who are _obviously _blind. I feel free in saying that because I could be any number of the male half of the school as the girls here are just too easy. I wonder if you're one of them. Actually, probably not, seeing as you have the ability to write full sentences without the words like or _ohmigod! _inserted regularly throughout them. I am waiting though.

Well if your hair looked horrid are you Eliza Bentley? Because her/your hair looked atrocious today! All frizzy even though she/you had obviously attempted to straighten it – that didn't work. She's/You're a rather ghastly girl, in looks. Sure, she's/you're probably _lovely _in personality but a chubby girl just doesn't fit my agenda, not to mention the pimples covering her/your face. Disgusting.

Also to that appalling question in the first paragraph of your last letter: I am not a Slytherin! You can tell that I am obviously charming and handsome and looking at people like Slytherins, they are none such. No, Liasba, I am in fact normal enough to not be a Slytherin and don't ever call me a Slytherin again. Let that be a warning, your first and last.

Any who, my favourite food is unnecessary. It doesn't really matter. But, I suppose I'll tell you anyway. It's crackling, which isn't really a food but delicious. My favourite meal, as in a full meal, is two slices of bacon, three lamb chops, one T-Bone steak, five eggs, and some pork. Yum...

Brian

_..._

_Dear Lily Evans,_

_You are dealing with a rogue sexist bastard who doesn't deserve your nice letters. You should instead be wholloping him over the head for that appalling lack of utter tact and the way he obviously compares women to _nothing_. How we would like to show him...If you don't deal with this in an appropriate matter then you will be soon terminated from the Group of Independent Woman. By 'appropriate' we mean something along the lines of going against the rules and hunting him down to rip out the balls that he cherishes so much._

_I mean, who does he think he is? He blatantly with no shame what-so-ever assumed that you were a girl who loved to discuss your _hair_. _

_Men are utterly hopeless._

_The Group of Independent Woman_

_..._

_Dear Lily Evans,_

_That...pen pals of yours is atrocious. What type of person kills that many animals just for a meal? It's disgusting. Utterly disgusting._

_The Vegans_

_..._

_Dear Lily Evans,_

_Now, do not write that he is a hypocrite. Look at that previous letter from the COLD HARD truth that explains the way you are fit for only Barry Berman who has acne. Not very nice to think that but complaining about it! Absolutely atrocious! No, don't write that!_

_..._

_You'll regret it._

_..._

_Fine! Be that way!_

_..._

_We won't bother to tell you when you're being a hypocrite next time._

_..._

_You won't like that will you?_

_..._

_Good day Miss Evans!_

_The Hypocrite Finders_

_..._

History of Magic – September 12th 1977

I hate you – L

**Why? – A**

Because my pen name is Liasba – L

**Well he's isn't much better. Brain. So boring! – A**

Shut up, Alice. I was pissed out of my mind when you convinced me to write that as my name. What does it even mean? – L

**It **_**means **_**Lily (L) is (I) angry (A) suggested (S) by (B) Alice (A). Happy now? – A**

No! Why would you do that! You are a terrible, atrocious friend who preys on me when I'm drunk. Prat. By the way that doesn't even make sense, you idiot. – L

**Yes, yes. Whatever. – A**

Well, Alice. How's your pen pal going? Any ideas on who it could be? – L

**Nope. But he seems nice. He's name's HerbLover and he has already gone into detail about how the Mandrake is a 'rare specimen and very interesting.' As you can tell, I am an **_**avid **_**plant lover and discuss this on a daily basis. – A**

Tut tut. Poor Alice. – L

**Shut up, Evans and get back to class. I'd rather not discuss yours, or my own, miseries. – A**

_..._

Dear Brian,

You are the worst and most disgusting pen pal a girl could have the misfortune of getting! I can't believe how horrible you were to Eliza Bentley who _is _in fact a lovely girl. That's disgusting that someone can be so horribly rude and have nothing better to do then direct their energies to insulting a girl who is obviously a much better person than yourself. That's disgusting!

From our only _two day _correspondence I can tell that you are a terrible, terrible person with no ethics or morals at all! Really, McGonagall must have it in for me.

Liasba

_..._

_Dear Lily Evans,_

_This is your only chance to talk with a boy and you've completely ruined it! Think about it: it might be people like Amos Diggory or that fine boy in Hufflepuff who's hair is just _orgasmic_! Don't blow your chances because it might be people like Sirius Black or James Potter...oh god. Cross you fingers that it's not Sirius Black._

_OBSERVE EVERY BOY AROUND YOU FOR FITTING CHARACTERISTICS, MISS EVANS!_

_Sincerely,_

_The Girly Squad_

...

**Notes on the Goblin War of 1568**

_Goblins, being mightily vicious creatures who take it on themselves to get in a war every two bloody years, revolted once again in the Goblin War of 1568. This was started from the Goblin, Jerry the Joker, making a seemingly harmless joke and offending Srumpoth the Serious. This led to the two coming to blows over-_

Jeremy Fisher – characteristics matching: sexist bastard.

James Potter/Sirius Black – characteristics matching: overly confident, bastard(s), eats lots of meat (both of them.), player.

Amos Diggory – characteristics matching: overly confident, eats lots of meat, player.

Frank Longbottom – characteristics matching: eats lots of meat.

So far, my results aren't looking promising. I feel the need to throw up.

...

L,

You can talk! You're an utter cow! Thinking you're so much better than everybody else.

And it's _my _misfortune, not _yours._

-B

...

B,

So now we're on first letter basis? I don't even know you and I can already tell I'd hate you. Gosh, I pity your mother.

-L

...

B,

Um...this is supposed to be a daily thing? I'll have to report you to McGonagall if you don't reply today.

-L

...

L,

Shut up, slag.

-B

...

B,

You don't even know me!

-L

...

L,

You don't know me!

-B

...

B,

Eugh.

-L

...

L,

Double eugh.

-B

...

Dear Miss Evans,

Please report to my office tonight for Head Girl duties. You will be attending with James Potter and I have decided to leave it to you to inform him. As a mature seventeen year old, I presume you can do that without letting your feuds come in the way?

I trust both of you to be there tonight.

Sincerely,  
Minerva McGonagall

Ps. Please also inform Mr Black that he has a detention with Filch tomorrow evening for 'redecorating' the Slytherin common room. Thank you.

...

Charms – September 13th

Oi! Potter! – LE

**What the fuck? – JP**

It's Evans, Lily Evans, your fellow Head Girl – LE

**Oh...right. What'ch you want? – JP**

We've got a Head Meeting tonight – LE

**Great. – JP**

No need for sarcasm, O' Great Potter. – LE

**What are you one, Evans? – JP**

Nothing. Go away. – LE

**You were the one that started this in the first place!**

**Evans?**

**Evans! **

**You're one mad bird, Lily Evans **

I like to think so.

...

_Dear Lily Evans,_

_Telling Sirius that he had a detention with a rather smug look on your face was not nice. He is not the most – pleasant – of people, but really, was that necessary? _

_I think not._

_The Sympathy Club_

...

**Transcript of Conversation Passed between Lily Evans and Alice Gellet in Potions of the 13****th**** of September**

Alice: Head Girl duties tonight, I hear?

Lily: How on earth did you know about that?

Alice: I have my ways.

Lily: Bullshit. Tell me.

Alice: I overheard Potter and Black talking about it.

Lily: Knew it.

Alice: What's so unbelievable about me having my ways?

Lily: To have ways, you need contacts. We are social outcasts my dear and unfortunately –

Alice: Fortunately.

Lily: Yes, quite right, fortunately – we don't have contacts to have ways.

Alice: I see.

Lily: Good then.

Alice: Anyway, I hope you don't muck up with Potter. Stay away from those broom cupboards.

Lily: I think I threw up in my mouth.

Alice: He's actually _quite _a dishy bloke.

Lily: Dishy my arse.

Sirius: Whose arse?

_*groans*_

Alice: Shut up Black.

* * *

A/N: So! That's that done. Wow, not as long as I expected but I was really cutting it close to the deadline of the Anonymous Correspondence challenge, hosted by my lovely Grim Lullaby. Anyway, first chapter – not the last- what do you think? Also, trouble in Hell with Liasba and Brian? And guesses on who Brian is - it's not that hard (look at the pairing ;-D). Ideas, suggestions, comments? REVIEW!

**Disclaimer: **Anyway, this is based on 'Feeling Sorry for Celia' which is a brill book. Read it! But, I take no credit for the layout. Also, all characters are J K Rowling's.

**BETA WANTED! pm me or review me! I need a beta (obviously.)**

**EDIT: **Thanks to _Stephen Holmes _an anom reviewer, who pointed out that I had confused the 1970's with the 1990's. This is edited :-D


End file.
